my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
