Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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