Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
