i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
