he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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