Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
