I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize