You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
