When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
