i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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