I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
