So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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