If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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