Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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