I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
