I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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