i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
