the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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