We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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