I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
