I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
