I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
They have beer where we have blood.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
