I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
