he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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