Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
