My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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