Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
