Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
