Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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