Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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