haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
