I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
