GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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