I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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