sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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