Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
