I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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