My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
