bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
