Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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