I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
