i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
