if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
