Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
