just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
