she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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