Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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