Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
