If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
