Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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