Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
