I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
