I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
True college students do jello shots in the library
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
