I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
