We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize