The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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