I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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