now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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