What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
