I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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