he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
