Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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