I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
