So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
