so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
