I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
