Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Be still, my beating vagina.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
