im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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