I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
