I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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