i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just puked most of my soul out..
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
