We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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