i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
