Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
