well I can't set my house on fire every night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
