I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
they're like a gay fantastic four
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
