I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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