you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
