Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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