1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
