you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
