census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
